How many of you saw the Super Bowl? The Patriots, undefeated to that point at 18-0, were heavily favored to defeat the New York Giants. The game was tight from start to finish, and the Giants came away with a last-second victory, 17-14, and the Super Bowl title.

The following day at school people seemed hesitant to approach me. I thought it odd until one of our administrators said to me somewhat anxiously, “Sorry about the Super Bowl, but the Giants deserved to win!” Clearly, knowing that I am a life-long Patriots fan, people were avoiding the subject with me, and while I was and am incredibly disappointed that they lost, I agree that the Giants deserved to win. The result speaks to the importance of taking nothing for granted. It is the reason we must believe in ourselves regardless of the odds against us; it is why we play the games!

The responses to the Super Bowl may have been proportional to the potential historical significance of a Patriots victory. Had they won, they would have been undefeated and might have been considered the single best team in history. Giants fans, who were pleased that the team overcame early season woes and made it to the game, were elated. Patriots fans, who may have anticipated a victory and foreseen its significance, were overwhelmingly distressed.

For the players, the outcome of the game is tied not just to their livelihood, but to the way they see themselves and each other. For the Giants, it becomes the pinnacle of their careers and raises them in the eyes of the world. For the Patriots, it does just the opposite. It takes a bigger-than-life season and significantly compromises it; in fact, there are players who have said that the whole season was for naught. While it would be sad to have their wonderful team approach and accomplishments forgotten or even downplayed as a result of one game, it is clear that for a long time to come, possibly even for the rest of their lives, they will think about what could have been. Moreover, they have to wonder whether the opportunity to play for the championship will ever present itself again. Regardless, it will be interesting to see how the Giants deal with their elation and the Patriots with their stress. 

Stress is a challenge for all of us, children and adults alike. The late psychologist, Richard Lazarus, author of many books, including Stress and Emotion: A New Synthesis, suggested that “stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize.” For our students, it can be caused by the amount of homework, the number of activities, unrealistic expectations, lack of affirmation. How do we help them and ourselves to develop the resilience necessary to respond to disappointment and move forward in productive ways?

Dr. Ken Ginsberg, one of the authors of Less Stress, More Success, believes that resilience is more situational than it is an attribute. He argues that the chances of dealing with stress positively and productively are significantly enhanced when the stressed person has someone to engage with who sets expectations high and who loves him or her unconditionally. Of course, this is our philosophical approach to education. It is important for us to make sure that our children are both well-challenged and well-supported. Above all, being there for our children is essential. In addition, and as Ginsberg suggests in his book, there are a number of strategies that are helpful in dealing with stress: identify the sources of stress, remove those sources that can be removed, break sources down into smaller manageable parts, talk the issues through, and implement a strategy to make things work.

The results of stress speak to a much bigger concern: the mental health of all people in our society, with special attention to our children. Preoccupied as many of us are with tangible measures of success, such as grades, athletic accomplishments, and college placement, we sometimes lose sight of what our children may be feeling underneath it all. Too often, just below the surface, too many of our children, particularly as they go through adolescence, wonder who they are, where they’re going, whether the life they’re living is productive. To make matters worse, they may be unaware of their own concerns/stresses, or are unable to share them. Unfortunately, their internal pain has the potential to tear away at their very core and destroy them from the inside out. This distress can lead to risky behaviors that may feel good in the moment, but have the potential to harm our children as well as the relationships they have with parents, teachers, and other adults whom they need.

Ironically, until their internal strife plays out in more extreme destructive behaviors, many of us as adults are unaware of the feelings of futility experienced by so many youth. Believing that the young people of today are our greatest resource for tomorrow, we owe it to them in everything we do to set our expectations high, support them, and love them, as Ginsberg says, “unconditionally.” A compelling book on the importance of good mental health is Behind Happy Faces, written by Ross Szabo and Melanie Hall. When Szabo was here last year, he awed our students and faculty with his story. The book tells that story and provides a wonderful view into the complicated world associated with mental health. As Szabo and Hall say in the introduction, “Mental health is something every one of us should have—something each of us is entitled to. We all have emotional difficulties in our lives, and ‘mental health’ simply means finding a way to handle those difficulties.”
 
In the end, we need to be clear about our goals and priorities for our children. Ideally, the goals we have for them and theirs for themselves will be consistent. But we must understand that those goals may sometimes be in conflict. When this occurs, it can be difficult for children to share their thoughts and/or for us to hear them. We owe it to our children to share our perspectives and to listen to theirs. Good ongoing communication is essential. With whatever else we may want for our kids from a tangible perspective, we want them to be safe, we want them to be healthy, and we want them to be happy. Though we cannot guarantee any of these things, we improve the chances if we are truly there for them and with them.

With February rapidly approaching its end, I am looking forward to the coming of spring. Though it may not be stress-free, it will provide all of us with the opportunity to enjoy the return of the birds and the blossoming of the flowers as we spend more of our lives outdoors. And already, I am thinking about next year’s football season with the hope that Super Bowl XLIII will be Patriots vs. Eagles.

With warmest regards,  

Steve Piltch
Head of School