Last month’s letter regarding our use (and misuse) of cell phones, computers, and other technologies elicited considerable interest. Most who wrote identified with my paradoxical love/hate relationship with email and shared stories about their own overuse of technologies at the expense of personal relationships. A number of parents raised the issue of their children’s use of technology and their parental inadequacies in overseeing it. They were concerned about their children’s purposes and the language used by their children and their children’s friends. This concern is important. Coincidentally, about the time I wrote the piece, I read a number of articles in national publications about the inappropriate use of the internet by children and adults.

Here at Shipley, and at other schools around the country, there is a growing concern about inappropriate use of email, instant messaging, and the internet in general by children of all ages. Too often, kids say things on the internet that are cruel, hurtful, and inappropriate. Because they think they are anonymous, they feel free to say things that should never be said. In the extreme, some kids use it to torment and bully others. As the People magazine issue of March 14 indicates, there are examples around the country in which children have been driven out of schools, become depressed, and even committed suicide as a result of cyber bullying.

In the instances where we have had to deal with the inappropriate use of the internet here, we have found students to be naive about their behavior. Some of them had no idea that things they had written had become a matter of public record; others have reasoned that because they did not say what they said face to face to the person, they were not accountable for their words. They thought that if they were not seen doing it, it was not inappropriate. Of course, we have convinced them otherwise. If your child is using the internet regularly, you must oversee him/her. Although no one wants to believe it, virtually anyone can become the bully or the bullied in an instant. Because instant messaging is instantaneous, with few controls, people can easily be impulsive and mean. We need to oversee this activity.

If you find your child is being bullied or you are concerned about his/her use of the internet, the following hints, as outlined in the March 14 issue of People magazine, may help: Print out and save cyber bullying messages—this is your only direct link to the event. Teach your own children never to post anything they would not want others to read. Be sure to meet with the officials at the school the bully and your child attend (whether it’s Shipley or some other school). Have your children change their screen names and give them only to people they trust (of course, once it is out to anyone, it has the possibility of belonging to everyone). If inappropriate threats are made, contact the police and your internet provider. There are some websites that help to deal with these issues and others. Three mentioned in People are: i-safe.org, mindoh.com, and cyberbully.org.

Incidentally, a couple of members of the community emailed me about a completely different misuse of the internet. In a real twist of irony, a number of applicants to Harvard and MIT Business Schools followed a hacker’s directions to access the admissions decisions before the agreed-upon release date. Much to those candidates’ chagrin, both institutions opted to reject anyone who got the information early. While the institutions have been accused of moral and ethical grandstanding, the message is clear. Integrity is important!

As I think about integrity, our students, and our mission to develop in them compassionate understanding in the world, I am concerned by the inappropriate use of language, not just on the internet, but in everyday life. A number of times in the last months I have heard songs and comments that writhe with degrading and inappropriate language that is sometimes referred to as hate language. Although the words in the songs were not directed at anyone in particular, I found myself shaking my head in disbelief about what I was hearing. I was intrigued that the students around me did not seem to hear the words or were immune to them and did not think about what they meant. (Having listened to a number of these songs more than once before I actually heard the words myself, I understand this on some level.) It bothered me even more when students repeated the words without any thought to their meaning. It struck me that without realizing it they could have been offending someone (besides me) who was uncomfortable speaking up. And, in an instance where a comment was directed at an individual, it was particularly devastating for all of the people involved. It made me wonder how we fix the hurt caused by such comments. Of course, the answer is to make sure the comments never get made in the first place.

We know that people—students, and adults—say things that can be demeaning and inappropriate without even knowing their meaning. Often, the use of mean words, while they may sound funny in the moment, can hurt people in subtle and unspoken ways that impact their sense of belonging, their confidence, and their identity. We need to educate our children and each other to their implications. If we are there when things are said, we must hold our children and each other appropriately accountable and help them understand the meaning of the words. Comments that have racial, ethnic, religious, sexual, or lifestyle overtones are never acceptable. In the same vein, comments that are judgmental about groups of people or individuals are rarely helpful or productive. We must be sensitive to the history of the words and the experiences of the people referenced. If we are to be the kind of community suggested in our mission, we must work to be one that is safe for students of all backgrounds. I hope we will take on the challenge. To that end, after Spring Break we will be inviting people to share their experiences and help us in this endeavor. I hope you will join us.

Related to some of these issues is an exciting initiative that we have taken in appointing Upper School English teacher, Sandi Richards to the newly-created position of Coordinator of Community Life. Please see my letter on this subject.

One of the most impressive people I have ever met, who has the ability to see good in the worst of situations, is Gerda Weissmann Klein, a survivor of the Holocaust. Mrs. Klein, who is a well-renowned author and a compelling speaker, has visited Shipley twice in the last ten years. Her picture sits on my side table. A hero of mine and of many others, she is returning to this area on April 21st to speak to an audience of independent school parents, teachers, and students at 7:30 p.m. in Centennial Hall at Haverford School. (Please see the flyer.) It is an honor for us to be co-sponsoring the event. If you are interested in learning more about Mrs. Klein, please see her biography at http://www.kleinfoundation.org/, and if you would like to attend the event, please email my assistant, Liz Dempsey (edempsey@shipleyschool.org), very soon. We have only 70 seats for the event!

Finally, with Spring Break upon us, my thoughts and wishes are with you and your family. When we return in April, we will have about two months of school left in the year. That time will pass quickly, and we will notice significant growth in your children, our students. I urge you to enjoy the time, and I will look forward to seeing you at our biennial auction, “A Night at the Moulin Rouge,” on April 16th. If you are interested in attending, please contact Diana Robison in our External Relations Office.

Have a great vacation! I’ll see you in April.

Warmest regards,

Steven S. Piltch
Head of School