For over ten years my wife and I have dropped off at least one of our three children at Lower School, and whether driving or walking, we always took them as far as we could. When we drove, we waited until a member of our Lower School faculty welcomed them, and when we walked, we took them right to the door. Knowing this was part of my parental responsibility, I rarely gave it much thought except when it made me late for something else. On those occasions, I might have resented the whole thing.

A couple of weeks ago my perspective changed. Our youngest child, Jamie (the only one still in Lower School), has taken a real interest in walking to school whenever it is possible. About three weeks ago when my wife and he began the walk down Montgomery Avenue towards Lower School, Jamie asked if he could walk ahead. A couple of days later, he did the same thing with me. Watching him intently to be sure he got there safely, I didn’t think much about it. The next day he asked to do the same. By the third time, I understood that his real objective was to go to school by himself. He was delivering a very important message to us: he no longer needed or wanted us to help him with this process. He wanted to do it alone. He was becoming more independent. When I realized this, I suddenly thought back to ten years of drop-offs and became quite nostalgic. I realized how much I had enjoyed the few minutes together, and I wondered how I could make up for those moments of intimacy with our children.

As I have thought about it further I know that Jamie has expressed his desire to become more independent in other activities in the past (such as dressing himself) and will do it again regularly in the years to come. It made me think carefully about our role as parents. We yearn for our children to become more autonomous. Yet, as they do, it perpetually redefines our relationship with them, and we are not always ready for the change. We have to find the right balance of giving them their freedom and maintaining the proper level of supervision and direction in their lives. It is not an easy task.

As they get older, our children tend to talk to us less about their desires, and the messages they deliver may not be so polite or innocuous. In Middle School, when students are in the throes of puberty and are trying to come to grips with their physiological and emotional changes, they tend to demonstrate their independence by withdrawing from us and spending more time with their peers, allowing us little insight into their mindset. In Upper School, as they talk to us less and we are less involved in their daily lives, the decisions they are faced with tend to have implications well beyond their relationships with us. This highlights the conflict between their independence and our role as parents. Some of the decisions they make can be difficult for us to handle or potentially harmful for them. While we say we want them to be independent, that’s true only if they make the decisions we want them to make. In truth, what we really want is for them to be healthy and safe. We want to be sure that the decisions they make are not life-altering. Unfortunately, this is not easy to accomplish. Because we are with our children less (which is appropriate), and are rarely with them in moments of potentially life-altering decision making, there is no way to guarantee that we can “watch them intently to see that they get there safely.” Ironically, as we acknowledge, respect, and support our children’s autonomy, we must find ways to enhance our awareness of their lives and continue to provide direction and supervision.

Since it becomes virtually impossible to be with them, we have to rely significantly on our confidence in them. At the same time, no matter how much confidence we have in them, we must be willing to make decisions that could be unpopular with our children if we believe those decisions will enhance their safety. This necessitates sitting down with them and establishing rules and criteria before they are faced with a problematic situation. For example, here at school we strongly recommend that if your child wants to go over to a friend’s house, be sure that the parent(s) will be home and supervising an event. Many parents believe, as I do, that no matter how much your trust your child, it is important to verify that the parents will be there by talking to the parents themselves. This does not guarantee that nothing unfortunate will happen at the house, but it enhances the chances of preventing a problem. In similar fashion, if your child is having others over, you owe it to the children who will be there and to their parents to be there yourself and to check on the activities regularly.

When I was a child I remember my mother saying, “Little children are little problems, big children are bigger problems.…” She was not judgmental in this. It was her way of saying how much more complicated and difficult our children’s lives become as they grow older and become more independent. And, of course, in similar fashion, our lives as parents also become more difficult and complex. Knowing that there is virtually no training for parenthood, we all need to acknowledge our concerns. We need to share solutions that will help us become more effective as parents and allow children the best possibility for growing up in a healthy and safe manner with a well developed sense of their own identity.

As I think about the challenges of parenthood, I find myself focused on the upcoming election, knowing that our country’s health and welfare are as vulnerable as our children’s. With that in mind, I urge you, regardless of your choice of candidates, to exercise your right to vote. Your voice needs to be heard. Voting is, after all, the essence of being American.

Finally, as we reflect on our roles as parents and Americans and approach Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to give thanks to all those people who make a difference in our lives and in the world. Thanksgiving is a perfect time to show your extra appreciation to those who are closest to you and to reach out to others you might not know as well. Have a great month and a happy Thanksgiving!

Warmest regards,

Steven S. Piltch
Head of School

P.S. Let me remind you that Williams College Athletic Director, Harry Sheehy, will be here on  November 11. He will speak on the role of athletics in the development of our children’s lives. Snacks will be served outside of Riely Theatre at 6:30 p.m., and Harry will begin speaking at 7:00.

P.P.S. Congratulations to all the Red Sox fans in the community. Eighty-six years is a long time to wait for a World Series Championship. Feeling as I do about the Red Sox, I will take the opportunity to talk about them and the lessons we can learn from their experience in another letter. It will be posted on our website.