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Meeting of the Minds: Grace for the Doing

Melissa Tassoni
 

Courage for the Deed; Grace for the Doing. If you know Shipley, you know our motto, but what does it really mean? In this roundtable discussion, we explore the idea of grace.

Our Panel


Shane Kinsella
Head of Middle School, The Shipley School
Kinsella joined Shipley in 2013 from St. David’s School in New York City, where he served for 15 years as a teacher, student advisor, Chairman of the Math Department, and Dean of Faculty. Kinsella and his wife Sarah have two children, Charlie ’27 and Annie ’30.

Khloe Prem ’18
Shipley Sophomore
Prem has attended Shipley since 2004, when she entered Pre-K. She says, “I attempt to uphold the motto of the School, Courage for the Deed; Grace for the Doing, in all that I do. From community service to sports, I try to let that message guide me.”

Thekla “Teckie” Reese Shackelford ‘52
Owner, School Selection Counseling
After serving in education for many years, Shackelford became an educational consultant and formed her own company, School Selection Consulting, an admissions service for college and independent secondary schools. This mother of three and grandmother of nine has received many awards for her work with education and youth, including the Ronald Reagan Medal for best volunteer program and Shipley’s  Distinguished Alumni Award.


Q: What does Grace for the Doing mean to you?

Kinsella: It’s doing the right thing at the right time. Even if it’s difficult, or no one is watching. It’s actions that are nice, that are kind, that are helpful, that are ethically and morally right.

Prem: It’s elegance and kindness. It’s about being a good person.

Shackelford: It means selfless giving. People who do good works frequently do them because of their inner spirit that connects them to a better, higher good. It takes grace from a state of being into a state of action or doing. That can be individual, institutional, or I suppose it could be a global thing. Some nations act with Grace for the Doing and take care of their citizens, some do not.

Q: What makes a person or an act graceful?

Kinsella: Taking other people’s feelings into account, being considerate of others, and acting on that consideration. If a student is sad that they haven’t made the team, and the rest of the teammates, instead of cheering, if they are empathetic with the person who didn’t make the team, that’s being graceful.

If you don’t succeed, you don’t turn around and disparage the person who did.

Grace works both ways. It’s not just for the person who succeeded, it’s for the person who failed as well to know that you have to handle defeat with understanding. I think that’s a graceful act.

Q: What are some inhibitors or roadblocks to grace?

Shackelford: One roadblock that inhibits grace is selfishness − internalizing as opposed to externalizing the art of listening, hearing, and absorbing what is around you, which gives you the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes with understanding and good will.

Q: Describe a graceful act that you’ve been a witness to, either at Shipley or in the wider world.

Kinsella: I see graceful acts all the time at Shipley. Things like giving up seats, picking up trash, and helping out other students. We see it a lot with students who are new. An example of that took place during a grade level meeting a couple of years ago. I was calling the meeting to order and a new student was talking to three girls. They all went to sit down, but the fourth girl didn’t have a seat, so she ended up having to sit somewhere else. Then the three girls who were talking to her got up and walked over to sit beside her. That was really nice. That speaks to being graceful. They realized that she was left on her own, and they all moved together. No teacher prompted them, they just knew they wanted to do it.

Prem: Graceful acts can be big things, or they can be small things, too. Like holding the door open for someone when you are leaving the cafeteria. Or at lunch, if you get up to throw away your plate and you grab someone else’s, too, because you’re going to the trash can anyway.

Shackelford: Each one of the adults at Shipley when I was there was full of grace. They were “other” oriented. They thought of the students first, the emotional needs of the students, and they handled all situations, whether they were disciplinary or governmental, with grace, which provided for all of Shipley’s students a feeling of well being and a feeling of being watched over by caring eyes and hearts. I was surrounded by good people who had forgiveness in their hearts and were models of grace.

Q: Share an example of an instance where you have exhibited Grace for the Doing.

Kinsella: I always remain calm − even under stressful situations. If a parent, student, or teacher comes into my office to talk to me, I remain calm. I listen to them. I think that’s important. It’s important to listen, to be empathetic. That’s hopefully showing grace. My job is to not to react too quickly or too strongly, but to listen and empathize, and then to try and figure out a plan to help whoever it is move forward.


Q: What is the power of grace?

Kinsella: For the person who acted gracefully, it builds self esteem. You walk away knowing you did something good. That’s one hundred percent positive. It’s a wonderful feeling and it builds on itself. You do a kind act for someone, you feel a nice warm glow. You’re like, “That was fun. That was good. I’ll do that again.”

Those acts spread. You see me doing something kind, then you do the same, and everyone does the same. It can permeate a culture. I think Shipley is known for this and I think that’s part of the reason why I came here. We’re known for that culture of helping each other and being nice to each other. When people perform those acts of kindness for each other, everybody feels happier, everybody feels nicer, and people feel safer, more well respected.

Nobody’s going to remember what happened in history class, but they’re going to remember an act of kindness when they’re forty-five years old. It’s very powerful and it works both ways. If you’re kind to other people, you’ll remember and be happy. If you’re not, you’re going to remember and regret it as an adult.

Prem: Grace is so powerful because it affects everyone. Whether someone has been graceful towards you by helping you, or you’re being graceful through helping other people, it’s so powerful because it’s universal.

Shackelford: It’s a silent and subtle power. Grace speaks for itself. I think that everybody can think back on a person whom they have known who, because they simply were there − quiet, attentive, and listening −  that you felt comfortable to share things with them that you might not have if they were busy doing.

There is a passive part of grace, I think, that is meditative and caring. I guess that brings power because you’re not telling people what to do, you’re absorbing who they are and then giving them the power to act according to what they are.

Q: Where does grace come from? Can it be taught or learned, or is it innate? Can you practice it?

Kinsella: I don’t think it’s innate and that’s the nice thing about it. It can be learned, and it’s observed. It’s learned through observation and it’s learned through discussion and practice. We observe it everywhere, and then we pick up things.

It can also be practiced. You practice waiting to be called on and speaking when it’s your turn. You practice listening.

We have to model it as grownups. The students have to model it for each other. Then you just have to reinforce it the whole time, because I think it’s something that needs to be maintained. If you don’t maintain it, it will start to wilt.

Prem: I definitely think that you can practice and develop grace. I guess it’s something that can also be taught. At Shipley, it seems so ingrained in the community. Starting in Lower School, Shipley teaches students how to be graceful, how to help other people, and how to be kind. Certainly, there are people who are born that way, but it can also be taught.

Shackelford: I think it comes from witnessing it in others or having those around you have grace. I think it’s demonstrated, not told. I think you have to witness it and you have to live with it and you have to be surrounded by it to assume it. Although, I will say that I think some people are naturally born with grace.

Q: Why is grace important in education?

Kinsella: In the real world, you are going to be interacting with people who you may not like, who may make you feel uncomfortable, or who may put you at unease, and you need to be able to function, and function politely and appropriately. Part of being graceful is knowing how to hold yourself in those situations, to be calm, to be respectful, to see below the surface. We need to educate our students so that they’re comfortable doing that.

Prem: Schools should teach you how to be a good person. Sure, they teach you math and stuff, but mostly it’s teaching you how to be a person. Grace is such a big part of being a person. Being a human being is being kind and being helpful towards other people. A school should teach you that.

Shackelford: Educators frequently think of themselves as teachers, but they often think of it in a curricular way. They’re given a material to cover and they think of themselves as imparting knowledge. To me, education is far broader than that. When you’re educating people, and particularly small and growing children, you have to reach the soul, the mind, and the heart to really be an educator. I think that’s what education should be doing.

Education is caring about the whole child or the whole person. Institutions that don’t distinguish that lose the greater aspects of education and learning. Shipley has always had that demeanor and sense of grace about it in my estimation.

 

 
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The Shipley School is a private, coeducational day school for pre-kindergarten through 12th grade students, located in Bryn Mawr, PA. Through our commitment to educational excellence, we develop within each student a love of learning and a desire for compassionate participation in the world.