May 31, 2019

Dear Shipley Families and Friends,

Memorial Day has passed and the final days of the year are flying. In two weeks, Upper School Head Margaret van Steenwyk and I will have the privilege of handing diplomas to our 98 seniors who make up the Class of 2019. It will be the last formal responsibility I will have as the Head of School at Shipley. I know I will cherish that experience – and too many others here to count – for the rest of my life.

As I ponder that event and all the emotions that will come with it, I find myself wondering, where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday that my wife, Sunny, and I arrived in the community with our oldest son, Matt (who was two) and our daughter, Ali (who was six months old). Our youngest son, Jamie, was not even anticipated yet. The three of them are now 29, 27, and almost 25, respectively. All three grew up at Shipley, as did Sunny and I in a different way, and all of us are grateful beyond words for our time in this incredible place.

Life this past month has been somewhat paradoxical. While the number of events has created a frenetic pace that has been at times overwhelming, the clock in my head has simultaneously slowed, such that I have been able to reflect not only on the events of this spring but also on those of the past 27 years. The balance of the two has given me an even greater appreciation for the events at School in the past month and greater joy as we prepare for year-end celebrations in all three divisions, with a special focus on the Class of 2019.

With that in mind, a few highlights of the month included the following (please note that this is not an exhaustive list and, in the interest of letter length, does not include any of our concerts, Desert Zoo, Upper School Closing, The Middle School musical: Mary Poppins, our Middle or Upper School Sports Awards, or Westward Ho – all amazing events in their own special ways).

• A well-attended Alumni Weekend that saw three members of the Class of 1944 here to celebrate their 75th reunion, as well as the official launch of Trina Vaux’s book A Daring Vision: A History of The Shipley School, 1894-2018. (I must admit, it is quite a strange feeling to have my time here written about from a historical perspective; there is a side of me that would like to think it is ongoing and will be for many years to come.) I especially enjoyed the panel discussion involving past and current colleagues who discussed Shipley’s curriculum, culture, and community over time. They included Sunny; other current colleagues Josh Berberian, Wendy Eiteljorg '86, Kim Harris, and Brandon Jacobs; and retired colleagues George Wrangham, Lura Coleman Wampler '56, Margaret Ralph, Elizabeth Dougherty '83, Linda van Horn, and Greg Coleman.
• Special thanks go to the seniors who joined me in a panel discussion to talk about their experiences at Shipley. They included Anna Camden, Henry Katz, Sydney Nagorsky, Chaz Owens, Reed Sullivan, and Casey Winter. Not surprisingly, they focused on the quality of the relationships they have developed with their fellow students, their coaches, and their teachers; the risks they took and the passions they developed; and the support they received as they learned to share their voices and strive for excellence.
• The incredible performances of our spring sports teams. All of our teams had wonderful seasons, and five of them – boys’ tennis, softball, baseball, and girls’ and boys’ lacrosse – played in league championships. A special note of congratulations goes to our girls’ lacrosse team, which won its first league title since 2007, and to our baseball team, which won its fifth – that’s right, fifth! – straight league title. In addition, our golf team finished third in the league championship tournament, and our crew program sent four boats to Nationals where our Girls Lightweight Quad earned a bronze medal. (Congrats to Malenne Kelly (stroke), Lila Saligman, Amelia Lawler, and Emma Strawbridge!)
• An alumni event in NYC that brought over 40 alumni together to reminisce about their time here. It was especially reinforcing to know that I had had the privilege to hand more than 35 of them diplomas! They emphasized their appreciation for the relationships they had developed at Shipley and the preparation they had received for college and life.
• Secret Gardens, which brought over 500 people from the greater community together to enjoy gardens in the area. Thanks to Eliza Foulke and Stacy Helmers for chairing the event and to Lura Coleman Wampler ’56 for serving as honorary chair. The chance to see countless past and current parents, alumni, and other friends of the School and enjoy the beauty of our local area, in excellent weather to boot, was fantastic!
• And, our final All School Assembly of the year, where we celebrated our past and looked forward to the future. It was a privilege to watch our school presidents, Henry Katz (this year) and Declan Buckley (next year) exchange greetings and gifts. Henry did a spectacular job setting the tone for our students this year, and Declan will do an equally impressive job next year. Welcoming Bonnie Goldstein, Michael Joy, Mike Kral, Rick Sapovits, and Anne Smith as honorary alumni was a privilege. And, seeing our Middle School students perform a preview of Mary Poppins and Upper and Lower School students perform a piece on the Shipley Sisters was impressive; special thanks to Lower School students Sam Slye, Mya Flynn, and Ani Brown, who awed us with their rendition of The School Song. The highlight of the day for me was watching our Little Acorns present diplomas to our Mighty Oaks, as it has been every time we have done it since the tradition began 28 years ago. After all these years, I fully understand why many of the seniors put greater value on receiving that diploma than the one we present at commencement.

Of course, I have always loved any event that brings the entire School together. Although our mission focuses on educational excellence, love of learning, and compassionate participation in the world, the School always will be about the people who make up the community, the celebration of our students as individuals, and the coming together of our people to create the school we are.

As you would expect, the ways we deliver on our mission and educate our students have evolved in my time here to adapt to various changes in our world. While my own education over the past 27 years has been different than that of our students, it has had an equally transformative impact. I have had the good fortune to share some of the lessons I have learned over the years with you all in these letters. Ahead of this one, my last as Head of School, I have had a number of people ask me to refresh their memories about some of the things that I have written here over the years. With that in mind, the following are the seven most important lessons I have learned here over my 27 years as a parent and as Head of School, each of which I have written about before. I hope they resonate with you…

1. Love your kids unconditionally and celebrate them for the people they are. We need to make sure that they pursue their interests and develop their passions, which can be a challenge if we do not share the same interests or if they do not meet our expectations. Importantly, when we love them unconditionally, it helps them pursue areas/challenges that may not be naturally comfortable for them. Their doing so is an essential part of growing.
2. Parenting is the only profession in the world for which all training is retrospective and the job has no clear retirement date; once you’re a parent, you are always a parent, and you never stop worrying.
3. No matter how well or poorly our children may be doing, we must remember not to overreact and to be circumspect about the situation, because it is all part of a longer process.
4. When our children are little, the problems they (and we) face tend to be smaller in nature; when they are bigger, the problems are bigger.
5. One of the greatest joys and challenges of being parents is that we tend to be the age of our oldest child and to be as happy as our least happy child. When our children go through things for the first time, so do we, all over again; when our children hurt, we hurt. For example, when our first child learns to read, write, or ride a bike, it brings a sense of relief and satisfaction. And, when a child is sick or has a disappointment, we feel terrible.
6. Never say never or not my kid; although kids often exceed our expectations, there are times when they will not meet them. Importantly, there are times when kids also make bad decisions. When children do something they shouldn’t, it becomes important to hold them accountable and hold out hope that they can grow from the situation. To do so, it becomes essential to respond to the situation without letting emotions get in the way.
7. No matter how good or bad things look in the moment, remember that our goal is to help our children become the best adults they can be. That is a long way off, with a lot of trips and falls along the way. While we might like to prevent them from falling, doing so would not help them in the long run (and might even hurt them). If we help them develop the resilience necessary to get back up and face the problem/disappointment, they will be better off in the long run.

Over the years, these lessons about parenting and others I have learned in education have helped me realize how important process is in everything I do. Regardless of the situation, I work hard to have as much information as I can and to think through the implications of decisions I could make before making a decision. I have learned that taking my time and getting my decision right is usually more effective and time-saving than getting to an answer quickly and making a mistake. When I first began as a Head of School, I had more of the answers and fewer of the questions. Today, with the help of others, I have more of the questions, and the results seem better.

With Sunny’s and my children grown and our time here about to come to a close, I find myself especially grateful to my parents, teachers, and coaches; all the other people who helped shape my life as I was growing up; my friends and colleagues; and for the Shipley parents and students for the lessons you have helped me learn as a parent and an educator. It has been a true privilege to serve as the Head of Shipley for the past 27 years. Thank you to all of you and others who have shared your children with us at Shipley. Your children, our students, are the ones who tell our story; we want them to flourish and thrive. We want them to be the people they should be.

I know I am repeating myself, but I want to say one last time I am the luckiest Head of School anywhere, and I will be forever grateful to all of you. Thank you for making my time so extraordinarily special. I hope to see you many times between now and the end of the year. Here’s wishing Shipley a happy 125th and a great future to come. Have a great end to the school year and a wonderful summer.

Warmest regards,